During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
