Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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