Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The adults are the big ones right?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
