eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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