Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
