she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
