You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
