Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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