I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
