she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
