Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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