I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what day is it and did you see me today?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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