I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
