After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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