A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
