who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
