I will die if light touches me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
