just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
