i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
porn star boner night. come get it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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