I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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