You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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