my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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