I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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