Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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