I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
