i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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