She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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