I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
