I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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