Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
