he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
