Do you still have your period?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
