Im at strip club and am horny
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
