Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize