My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
