Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
