I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
