This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
