Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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