if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
