If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
