God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
