thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
