This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize