How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
