I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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