last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Are we still banned from the library?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
