genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
