My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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