I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
