do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
