I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
