her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
