K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
where are my eyebrows?
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