I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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