when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's always time for handjobs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
